Today I am subbing at the school I grew up in. It looks the same, smells the same, and I still get that same nervous, inexplicably guilty feeling when I walk by the school secretary’s door.
Sitting at the teacher’s desk, I see a set of encyclopedias on the shelf. I remember when the school got those twenty years ago. I was always looking for any excuse to have one at my desk.
Being here makes me feel like if I turned my head and looked out of the corner of my eye just right, I could see my nine year old self sitting on the floor, reading through the exciting encyclopedia articles.
If I could, I would walk over to her and tell her to ignore everyone who is telling her that she can do anything she wants. Because as long as the whole world is at her fingertips, anything worth having will always be just out of reach.
18 responses so far ↓
alece // May 21, 2008 at 10:14 am |
this was gripping…
i like that advice. i’ll be mulling that over for a while.
(i bet your nine-year-old self is adorable, by the way…)
lane // May 21, 2008 at 10:57 am |
But then Nat@9 might make for a current Nat who has learned to be complacent when she needs to say ‘to hell with that noise’, stretch a little further and take whatever she wants.
@ngie // May 21, 2008 at 12:42 pm |
An article I recently read has been rocking my world. Brace your self and click here
This is an excerpt:
“The deep fear behind every loss is that we have been abandoned by the God who should have saved us. The transforming moment in Christian conversion comes when we realize that even God has left us. We then discover it was not God, but our image of God that abandoned us…. Only then is change possible.”
danielle // May 21, 2008 at 12:42 pm |
hmmmm
by the way, this weekend won’t work – i think we’re heading to chicago! talk to you soon.
Mark // May 21, 2008 at 1:15 pm |
“If I could, I would walk over to her and tell her to ignore everyone who is telling her that she can do anything she wants. Because as long as the whole world is at her fingertips, anything worth having will always be just out of reach.”
Maybe I’m not deep enough to get this, but it made me a little sad to read it. I’m still naive enough I guess, to believe you can still make your life what you want it to be (at least a version of it).
Maybe you’re not at a place where you want to hear it, but you can. The movie in my head is never the exact way it comes out in real life, but I’m usually better off with the alterations.
Don’t give up!
Mark // May 21, 2008 at 1:16 pm |
After all, I have the shape of a TV and tusks for days. You better listen to me.
Sarah Nolen // May 21, 2008 at 1:24 pm |
I get what you are saying…but the teacher in me sees the importance of giving students the feeling of being able to do anything and also knows the damage it can cause when a child is not allowed or is prevented from feeling that possibility.
The limiting should come later, most kids would never understand this line of logic at nine.
Also, there are certain books I read as a child that would never have held such meaning to me if I hadn’t felt as if I could do anything.
What would it have done to the nine year old you if someone would have actually told you to ignore the people who told you that you could do anything.
My point? There is a magic (gasp!) to believing, even for a short time, that you can do anything!
Kristy // May 21, 2008 at 4:23 pm |
I heard someone once say “Shoot for the moon, and if you miss you will still be among the stars”
dan // May 22, 2008 at 8:39 am |
Amen. The greatest lie ever handed down to us by our consumer driven culture is that we are monads and that freedom equals the ability to fulfill one’s pre-adolescent desires. The problem is that only one in ten children wants or is being told that humanities survival as a species will ultimately come down to our ability to advance the common good of all mankind and the environment. I’ve rarely heard a child say that i want to live in solidarity with the poor or lay down my life for a friend, but i know what kind of houses they want to live in and what kind of high-profile job they want to occupy. This mindset is one of the lead causes of the fragmentation and disappointment that so many are feeling in my generation…
We must begin to rethink freedom and desire in a manner that speaks more of community and takes into account the marginalized in society and the world. To this end, the greatest goal is not what can I accomplish, but am I being known and knowing others… does my desire to”become” encompass the desire for those around me to also prosper and obtain freedom in my presence by what I do.
ok, that was a bit of a rampage ;)
-dan
Areta // May 22, 2008 at 10:37 am |
I was also sad to read this insite. I still believe in my dreams. I realize that they have changed a lot from my younger days. I guess I still want to believe that my dreams and those of my kids are reachable. I think the trick is to distinguish what is really important in life and concentrate on those dreams not things… Just think of all the wonderful things that would never have been accomplished if someone had not believed in their dreams, for instance what I am doing right now.
whatireallywanttosayis // May 22, 2008 at 12:03 pm |
It’s so interesting to see the different paths this short post took you down.
I’m sure you all know that I’m a dreamer, and that I believe in the impossible. I was like that at 9, and I will always be like that.
I think Sarah got closest to it when she said “the limiting should come later”. And that’s the thing.
Paired with the belief that you can do anything should come the understanding that there are only a few things you should try doing. Otherwise the constant draw from all directions will leave you exactly where you started.
In an effort to be reaching in a single direction, I have sent out resumes looking for set Production Assistant positions on films to be done here in Michigan. Teaching piano gives me the freedom to be available and out of town whenever necessary. We will see….
And Mark. I respect the tv head and miles ‘o tusks, and I agree that the way life actually turns out is better than what we had planned in the first place.
Dan: On with the rampage.
Amy // May 22, 2008 at 6:56 pm |
I was glad to see your follow-up comment… it made me not sad about the statement that got lots of comments… it gave more perspective on where you’re coming from- and I get it… it’s wise.
I totally can’t imagine being in my old schools as an adult. Bizarre!!!
coloraturajoy // May 23, 2008 at 1:25 pm |
mm. liked that last line. expand! lengthen! this would make a touching, thought-provoking essay.
Jesse "The Magnificent" // May 23, 2008 at 4:48 pm |
Nat,
The middle of your last comment made me think of an old Chinese Proverb:
“If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed. ”
In line with what your were saying, be sure your direction is one you want or you may end up somewhere you never intended.
Lala // May 23, 2008 at 10:06 pm |
um….i too became sad while reading your post.
And I don’t know what to say…I mean…just think of where your dreams have taken you.You’ve been to Venezuela,Poland,and a whole lot more I don’t even remember. And then Teen Mania took you all over the USA and you got work in production and meet lots of famous artists. And I know this might be a sensitive subject but … While you were married you lived all over and met so many people and now that that part of your journey is over, you get to truly pursue YOUR dreams. You are amazing and the life you’ve lived has made you what and who you are.
I hope that made sense. Love you
annie // May 24, 2008 at 2:06 pm |
Nat -
I’m so glad you came back and re-capped. I really didn’t know what you were driving at (and I think I was busy at the time) so I left it alone. But I like your explanation. Particularly this: “Paired with the belief that you can do anything should come the understanding that there are only a few things you should try doing. Otherwise the constant draw from all directions will leave you exactly where you started.” I know exactly what you mean. I was thinking about this the other day, actually. That there are so many possibilities of things I could do … and yet, which do I put action to? This leads back to the best line on the subject (and one that always comes to mind) … from Ever After: “I used to think that if I cared at all, I would have to care about everything and I’d go stark raving mad. But! Now I’ve found my purpose.” Purpose is the point! :D
Oh, and by the way … you made it into my blogger profile. Check it out.
danielle // May 28, 2008 at 10:14 am |
I know you probably closed the comments on purpose on the dream in shadows…but I’m going to rebel.
Thanks for sharing this. Very well said, I can relate, but you said it in words I couldn’t put together so beautifully.
theism // May 28, 2008 at 11:31 am |
theism says : I absolutely agree with this !